I wish to ask, "How are you?"
And more so, "Who are you?"
How do we define ourselves?
How do we deal with those who may consider, like it or not, that we are on a Spiritual path, and no matter how much we learn, the challenges and unresolved patterns continue? Or do the patterns sneakily change shape to occur in our mind and emotions barely detectable?
Are we living at the helm, or blown by the winds of life and our emotions?
Is there room for mystery and majesty at your dinner table?
I find myself in the role of parenting, and notice both the upheaval of mental perceptions of my role as not only a parent, but as a husband and friend, a provider, a citizen, a teacher, and social human. Sometimes even an animal as instinctual as a fox, timid as a deer, or fierce as a lion.
I notice my expectations of our roles as parents dissolve in the love that Anjali, my daughter, showers forth in a spring of spontaneous beingness. To love her is to respond:
To hug when she wants,
To let her go when she wants,
To lift when she wants ‘up’,
To watch, carefully watch and be near when she wants witnessing.
It’s her world, and I become simply a shepherd trying to keep the grass green around her.
The role of husband and things the way I thought they were or the way the world I think it should be dissolve if I let myself love unconditionally. To love my wife trust this blessed mother of this sweet child with all that she is.
This means admitting my own part in becoming entangled in the limbic system of our human bonds, teamwork and role-playing of parents. To love my wife during anything situation that frustrates me, as my own part in losing my own center. To let go of my own expectations of making it easier, and being courageous and clear enough to simply admit any feelings of hurt, sad, or angry as my own responsibility.
No one actually causes pain inside myself but my own self.
This human-ness is stark, raw, and a challenge.
To trust that I am held by something bigger is my Spiritual path, that I am indeed sourced by a mighty force that spins the Earth, created the cosmos, and orchestrates the life of everything thing on Earth.
That if I can trust that I am held by that,
only then can I trust that my wife is, too, and what’s present in her is her karma, and probably reflecting in some way my karma that I am working to heal.
Only then can I trust that my child is perfect in every way as well
She is my teacher,
As she listens and responds to her own innate beingness
To shed the roles and expectations is to be present for me,
To keep facing the hurts inside and befriend them,
Lest I suffer to chastise myself or others.
This is the surrender to truly “know” less, and be present to the Wisdom of Love that is trying to explode from my skin, and trying to cleanse all within me.
This unknown was not my father’s cup of tea, nor this culture I grew up in. So I learn, grateful for the dedication of my wife, whom amongst few I’ve met, tenaciously seeks what is unhealed in her. Sometimes she ruthlessly finds and reflects it in me, within the chosen agreement we have to evolve in this way.
To evolve to actually realize our selves without these patterns of small self that hide, protect, confuse, or otherwise veil who and what we truly are.
Could it be that we are vast and luminous as illucidated in Nelson’s Mandela’s speech in 1994?
Could it be that what the Buddha tells us, what the Christ frequency points to, is enlightenment to the light, love, and reality of oneness that is the spark inside every small creature to the largest star.
To dedicate oneself to discover this, for the good of all beings, that others may benefit from our own eradication and purification of our own obscurations from this truth; This is the Spiritual path.
So, yes, more and more I must surrender my armor and my weapons to feel the hurt that’s underneath, to trust my wife, my beloved partner in this journey, to her feminine wisdom and utter connection to the earth and this pulsing life force, and winds of emotion. To show me in the mirror my own disguises.
Gratitude in waves that soften the stone of my resistances
Tears of old ways washing away
Under her love that works to accept me
As I am, faults and all.
This is the spiritual path. To be with what is with the wisdom of the vastness to hold it all, like the ocean.
To breathe new life into this body shedding the old costumes that don’t serve, and trust this Love unfolding in all things and all ways, beyond even my own birth and death.
Trust your heart
Trust your heart
In its breaking, mending, and singing
Like the dew,
Or torrents of rain.
It is my 22nd week of pregnancy. I am in the so-called "sweet spot" of the 38-40 or so weeks, peacefully cushioned in the comforts of my second trimester, approaching the nearing third trimester with vague apprehension. I have begun to look at this pregnancy as a death, of sorts. Rather, I am experiencing this pregnancy as a dying process, a deep letting go. For during the dying process, if one is so blessed to be conscious that one is actually in the dying process, one will experience varying layers of denial, pain, rejection, anger, grief, surrender, acceptance, gratitude, appreciation, consciousness, wisdom, and love.
It is my experience that it is possible to "die" multiple times in one lifetime. For these so-called "deaths" are not cold, hard eternally dead bodies of rot. Death, either during one’s lifetime or from one lifetime to the next, is simply the step that must occur for the next cycle of rebirth. The "Tibetan Book of the Dead" and many other spiritual texts make it a point to encourage one to die in a conscious way. For if one dies in a conscious way, one has the opportunity to wisely choose the next cycle of existence.
I have found that in my lifetime as "Destiny", I have already experienced quite a few different "lives"– from embryo to baby, from baby to child, from child to adolescent, from adolescent to maiden, and now I currently in transition from maiden to mother. Each period of death to rebirth up to this point has been relatively unconscious, meaning change seemed to "just happen to me." Although I recall vast amounts of pain, anger, grief, and eventually, the subtle tinge of acceptance, I still happened to unconsciously play out the societal roles of baby, child, adolescent, and maiden in my life.
Before this pregnancy, I never before realized the potential power in mastering one’s cyclical existence. The power lies within repetition; it is through repetition that one has the opportunity to experience a taste of that which never changes, the soul’s essence. When one begins to experience the soul’s essence, that which never changes, the changes of life, even from one life into the next, lose the negative charge. Fear vanishes. Trust emerges.
In this journey, I have documented these repeating patterns, calling them beliefs. I recognize that I am not that which changes, although everything in this reality does change. I am not what I believe, for this is mutable. I am not how I react, as this is mutable. I am not who I think I am, for this also frequently changes. I am the essence. I am the one who creates the change, who creates this reality. In a sense, I am completely unknowable, for I am the experience of life and the experiencer of life.
Not to say that I am the only one, although I am only one. I am one with the pulsing heart of the Earth and all of the beings residing here, although I often forget this as I continually struggle to find peace within humanity and watch as my limited beliefs of what is right and wrong shape my experience of duality. I continue to watch as I believe I am a victim of duality and eternally search for an escape away from duality into "Oneness Consciousness", pleading with God for the key.
There is no escape. One must experience death to experience a life that is filled with Truth, Self, God, Love, Purpose, and Peace. The key is that death happens multiple times during one lifetime. The trick is becoming aware of each new cycle of death, as it is occurring.
These cycles can also be called "transitions". Look into your own life story and take note as to where you have experienced a transition from one identity to another. This could be from dependant adolencent to independant young adult, from married housewife to divorced entrpenuer, from student to world traveler, from bachelor to husband, or from maiden to mother.
1. Observe how you handled your most recent transition, the process of "death into rebirth"-- How did you chose (even if unconsciously) to recreate your identity?
2. Look at your life now. Are you currently in transition?
3. How does it feel to acknowledge you are letting go to something greater than the idea of yourself?
4. What are you trying to hold onto? Are you sure you want to hold onto that?
5. Can you acknowledge that the holding is an unconscious reaction to fear of the unknown?
5. Who would you like to be in this next phase of life, knowing that it,too, shall pass?
6. Is it worth the risk? What is the risk?
7. Are you ready to move through your fears to risk being yourself more fully?
8. Who are you recreating yourself to be? What are you letting go of? What aspects of Self are you stepping more into?
Thank you for reading, participating, and giving yourself the opportunity of conscious recreation of Self-- truly taking a step towards greater Self-mastery and becoming more intimate/more connected with life.
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Blessing to you,
Copyright 2013 Destiny White (all rights reserved)
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